Angela ngoc


Brother Ngo Khong(Brother Freedom) tells the story of how he met Thich Nhat khô cứng (Thay) và found his way khổng lồ becoming a monk in the Plum Village tradition. Brother Ngo Khong currently resides at Deer Park Monastery and serves on the Thich Nhat hanh khô Foundation board.

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The Inner Voice

Monastic life is a miraculous path for me. It brings me close lớn myself & makes me trust myself. I had to go through a lot of suffering before becoming a monk, because I tended not to lớn trust my inner voice. Once when I was twenty, I wanted to become a spiritual healer. I had a meditation teacher I went lớn with my Mom once a week. We practiced sitting meditation, but it was different from the style at Deer Park. Rather than following the breath, it was more imagination and visual journeys. I knew I wanted to lớn work with healing energies và understand the mind, but my teacher và my mom told me that I had lớn finish school, then university, và only after that could I choose what I wanted to do. I did all of that, & after finishing medical school, that inner voice was not there anymore. I was busy doing other things.

The next time I heard this voice again was when I was twenty-six or twenty-seven. I’d already had a few relationships, & I doubted that I’d be able to lớn live in a relationship. I had to take care of myself & find this soul partner I was looking for within me. I decided to become a Christian monk and went to Croatia, my ancestral country, to become a Franciscan. Many of my ancestors were Franciscan monks and priests. There I went lớn the monastery to (stay as an aspirant)??? live lượt thích lay friends who live with us when they want to lớn ordain. I found out that the Franciscan vocation didn’t suit me. It just didn’t fit my personality. I like profound teachings, but it just wasn’t a match, so I left.

Around the same time, I fell in love with my wife-to-be. I lost interest in monastic life, & I gained interest in her instead. We got into a relationship, we married, và my inner voice was silenced again. Then, after six challenging years, my wife & I decided that we wanted lớn look for happiness separately. We didn’t have children. It was a peaceful and amicable divorce. It was lượt thích a peace treaty, wishing everyone the best. We don’t really talk, but our families are still in touch, và I ask how she is when I hotline my parents, & she asks how I am. That’s good enough. She lives in Croatia, which is a small country, & everybody knows everyone. It is very important khổng lồ me that there is harmony, và no guilt or blame.

When we divorced, I said, “You know, when we break up, I want khổng lồ continue the path that I once intended to. I will become a monk.” We were living in Croatia at that time, & I moved back lớn Germany because it was right after the civil war in Croatia, & there wasn’t much work available. I got work as a chauffeur. I rejoined the rat race và my aspiration was gone again, my inner voice silent once more. I got into a few relationships again, và they were as unsuccessful as before, so I didn’t learn anything. My habit energies were just too strong. I was expecting so much from my soul mate that it just didn’t seem lớn work out.

One of these relationships ended, và it really broke my heart deeply, because I hoped so much that this time, I really got it & we are really the perfect match. I was so heartbroken that I couldn’t go lớn work, và the doctor told me lớn stay at trang chủ for two weeks. I had a lot of time to lớn think about myself và to think about why is this always happening to me? I told myself, I’m so ignorant. I’m running after happiness & hitting a wall. I fall down, thua trận consciousness, then wake up và run back và hit the wall, over & over. It was painful to realize that this was what I was doing my whole life.

Each time my inner voice would ask me, “Are you happy?” Yes, I am happy: I have a good life, I have a good job, I have my family, I have my friends… I’m a happy person. My inner voice was not really convinced, pressing further, “Are you fulfilled? Is that all you want from me?” & I realized, I’m happy but I’m not fulfilled. It’s not that I need a partner or something else to be fulfilled. Then my inner voice asked me, “Do you want khổng lồ be fulfilled?” Of course. This is what I’m living for. I really want lớn be whole và fulfilled; this is what I was searching for, and this is why I’m suffering. Real inner fulfillment is what I was always looking for. On the bright side, I knew that I was willing khổng lồ suffer for this wholeness, because I had suffered for much less.

Then this realization dawned on me, “Well, if you want lớn be fulfilled, then you have to stop doing what you’re doing, because what you’re doing always brings you to lớn the wall.” I said, “Yes, if I am honest with myself, I must change something. I must change everything!” It was a difficult time; I was heartbroken and devastated. I didn’t believe in myself. I thought, I’m just hurting the people I love most instead of loving them. I’m not able to be happy with someone or to live long with someone and keep that love nourished because I cannot feel love or be fulfilled in myself.

Meeting Thay

And then, núm met me. Thế met me while I was walking—lost in my thoughts, passing by a bookshop. I looked into the window of that bookshop, và Thay’s eyes were looking into me. We locked eyes in that very moment. I didn’t know who he was, just a face on a book cover, but he looked right into me. The title of the book was, ‘Times of Awareness’. My inner voice whispered, “This is what you need right now!” I had this sudden moment of clarity in the midst of so much fog and clouds in my head. I went into the bookshop and said to lớn the cashier, “I want to lớn buy this book.” She said, “Well, the one in the window is the last copy we have.” I said, “Great. This is the one that was looking at me.” I bought that very book with cố on its cover. I went trang chủ right away and started reading. I was spellbound.

It felt as if I was looking into a deep mirror. I could see my ancestors, I could see the suffering they transmitted through each generation, to lớn my grandparents, lớn my parents, and to me. Besides their good qualities, I could also see the wall, & I could see why I kept running into it.

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I could see my partners. I felt pain as I recalled the situations when I caused so much suffering to lớn the people whom I loved with things I said or did out of ignorance, out of pride, or out of my own suffering. Everything became so clear. I finished reading the book a few hours later, and I was so excited that I just went back to lớn the start & reread it the same day. That was also the day I started practicing. I had practiced meditation before but having these gathas (practice poems) was a blessing, a gift!

I started washing my dishes right away—and living as a bachelor, I had a lot of dishes! I had the best dishwashing practice day. I practiced walking meditation in my apartment. I was so happy! All these little gathas helped me become alive in the present moment—in these times of suffering & pain & loss and questioning myself —there were all the answers. They were right here, because I was right here.

Meeting Plum Village

After a couple of months và reading many more books, I went lớn Plum Village for a retreat. The seed of monastic life was watered again. I wanted lớn live simply knowing that having less can often be more. I wanted khổng lồ live meaningfully, with intention and with freedom. I wanted to live together with others, in a community. These were my three aspirations. In Plum Village, I saw all of that. I saw a young, practicing community, playful and joyful. I saw a profound teacher, old & wise— the person from the book cover, who had asked me lớn stop and look deeply. Seeing all this, I fell in love with Plum Village. My monastic seeds had been watered again, và I wanted to lớn be a part of this community.

Later in 2008, the European Institute of Applied Buddhism (EIAB) in Germany opened. I went there for retreats and asked how lớn become a monastic. I was thirty-eight at the time. Then there was a chance for lights off again, silencing the inner voice. I got a promotion in my job. I got more money và more responsibility. Not long after, my inner voice would ask me again if I was fulfilled, & the resounding answering was, “No!” I felt torn once more. I struggled a couple of months on my own, then I asked my sister for advice. She told me lớn listen khổng lồ my heart, và if ordaining was what my heart wanted then I shouldn’t doubt. She had a lot of trust in me, more than I had in myself at that time. I didn’t want to ask my parents’ opinion about this, & about quitting my job, because what I thought they wanted for me was safety và security, and I was afraid that they would talk me out of it.

The First Steps of Freedom

When I told my boss, he was understanding & supportive, letting me go the very next day & paying me for another three months without having khổng lồ show up for work, so that I could prepare for this life changing endeavor. When I finally told my parents, they smiled with a lot of love. They supported me too, knowing that what I was looking for was only found by listening lớn the heart. I did it! I had broken free! I had ignored my inner voice for too long. The first time it was because I didn’t have a degree yet; the second time I preferred marriage over monastic life; the third time wealth và safety nearly prevented me from listening to lớn my heart. I was so glad & relieved to have made this decision.

Sometimes it would scare me imagining that my inner voice would stop speaking to me, because I had never listened to lớn it, & it would simply give up on me. But here I was, whole, inspired, excited! I started selling most of my belongings on flea markets, cancelling contracts, getting out of the system, and encountered more difficult moments & obstacles. I had to get out of paying healthcare insurance, which is mandatory in Germany, & of the employment register, etc. Only with great determination, escalating complaints và lots of patience was I able khổng lồ detach from the system.

Then there were internal struggles too. When I came back from the flea markets, I had pockets full of money because I had sold my digital, 300ft long slot car racing track, including expensively pimped slot cars. I played ice hockey, so I sold that gear. I had a collection of soccer jerseys with original autographs of famous players. There were tons of books, CDs, more than 200 PlayStation games, electric guitars, & a lot of clothes, colognes và watches. All these things couldn’t make me happy anymore, và I knew that.

Yet, I came home one night after pawning off all my possessions, & my apartment was empty. My steps were echoing in my apartment. With all the carpets và curtains gone, I just broke down. All that I had identified myself with, what I believed to lớn be me, was gone! There was nothing but a huge emptiness within & around me. I said to myself, “Are you serious? There’s nothing left. You are basically nothing. You sold everything that you are. You don’t have anything. Are you—are you crazy? Everybody’s warning you, saying don’t vị it, keep the security in your life…”

I was devastated, utterly lost. How could I deliberately vày this khổng lồ myself, running my own bankruptcy? I sat in self-doubt for two or three days. I was not sure anymore if I had made the right decision. I cried a lot. I had not only sold everything I had, but everything I felt I was. I wasn’t even sure if the Plum Village community would allow me khổng lồ stay, or if I would lượt thích to stay after spending some time there. All I could bởi vì was lớn be with my pain and breathe. I practiced walking & sitting meditation in my apartment. I started appreciating myself. I practiced deep relaxation, joyful dishwashing và taking care of myself.

After a couple of days, I felt better. I remembered why I was doing this, và I knew it was worth trying. I trusted my inner voice, my heart, my soul, và I was determined lớn keep that connection alive, lớn be a whole human being. I didn’t want to feel regret one day for not having listened khổng lồ my heart.

I often nói qua my story with my younger monastic brothers, who feel that they are missing out on something in life by being a monk—like being in a relationship, having a well-paid job và having the freedom to bởi vì whatever comes to their mind. In lay life, I thought freedom was about having more & doing more; but the things that I had did not fulfil me, and the things that I did brought suffering to me & to others.

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Today, I know that freedom comes from within; that freedom loves simplicity, good intentions, và many people around it. Freedom comes from the art of cultivating what is wholesome, và no longer nourishing what is unwholesome. This is the daily, joyful practice of our community.

Living at Deer Park today, I can say that ordaining has been the best decision I have made in my life. I see that our Sangha still holds dear all those values which I saw on my first retreat in Plum Village. There’s simplicity, there’s playfulness, there’s joy, & there’s depth và wisdom. There is, & will always be, a wise & gentle nắm guiding us towards ourselves. We are a diverse community, in age, culture và personalities, and we are practicing together in harmony. This is so beautiful, & I am deeply grateful lớn be a part of it. Finally, I have found my perfect soul partner, the Sangha!